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Sun, Nov. 15th, 2009, 02:54 pm
Write Now
27 weeks since my last post. I probably should have been posting this whole time so I wouldn't have this boulder of information to piece out. But today I want to just write about right now. Immediately following my last entry, everything that was anything turned completely upside-down. Crazily, Pathetically, (Un)fortunately - I would have thought un but now I look back and think - very fortunately. So Tom might as well have disintegrated. He turned into jelly. Well, not really jelly. Once, in nursing school, I had a COPD pt that was saving all of his sputum in specimen cups on his meal tray table. It was a horrid green-brown-yellow color and had a peculiar molecular structure -it was like jello almost... when I entered the room to meet him for the first time, he moved his arm to say hi and knocked the cups over to the ground, spilling the contents into one large snot mass on the ground. I had to hold back the gags and clean it up. Slipping and slithering through my gloved fingers. Resisting to surrender to the paper towel I held. And the smell.... oh so terrible. Tom turned into that. hah. But (like the snot mass) it's kinda sticky. Cause I really don't have hate for him, I still think he has good on the inside, I just think he is weak and scared to be strong because it usually means hurt. I understand him but I definitely do not agree with him. Anyway, I can't get into it at this very moment because I work tonight and must nap soooooooon. I should have started a few minutes ago.
Dan has been my constant companion.
I was at Dan's Agawam house the other night with him. We had a fire to burn a bunch of the scrap wood from the yard. I watched the fire burning and I thought in my head - and actually I have compared relationships to fire before, now that I think about it - I thought, relationships are like wood burning in fire. The ones that bun quickly burn ferociously - but they are done so fast, then gone, just ashes. But the big heavy ones that take a long time to get going, when they finally do, they burn infinitely hotter and infinitely longer. Although the flames appear less intense, they burn deeper. It's not about show - it's about the inside, the heart. But sometimes you need those little fast burning sticks to fuel the fire of the heavy log. I needed the tragedy of Tom to fuel my fire with Dan. My flames have been licking around him for years and now they reach the inside. The passion with Tom was immediate. It was bigger than life. But it was so momentary. It was so short-lived. sooo disappointing. I feel the fire with Dan from the bones in my toes to the tips of my eyelashes.
So anyway, what I really wanted to write about was how great my weekends have been lately, but now I have run out of time.
Its been a year with Tom.
I laid with Nick tonight and read him a book before bed. Love You Forever. I opened it and noticed the blue-penned writing on the inside cover. It was a book from Mary Casartello. Given to me and my sweet Caleb. Dated December 9, 2003. Delivery day. A ton of rocks fell on me. Next, we read the book The Giving Tree. Part way through, the little boy grows into a teenager and finds a little girlfriend. Nick was asking me about love and marraige. He asked me if I was in love. I said - not yet. He said, oh... when will you be? I said I don't know. I hope soon. He thought about it for a minute and asked. Who are you going to marry? I said - I don't know. I could see the gears turning in his little head. Thinking about who I could love, who Bessy could marry. Finally he said. Well, when I grow up, you should marry me. He said, I will get dressed up and make my hair into a mohawk and you can walk to me and we can dance. I told him - I would love to marry a boy like you. He smiled and I smiled and I cried a little. In his head, you just do what you feel and you just say what you feel. He has no idea about games. Why would you ever be stiffled? I love his naivity. I love his innocence. I was like that once. When my old phone turned on the other day and I read all of those texts I sent to Dan during fresh breakup session, I was absolutely blown away by the things I said to him. My heart was so open. so exposed. I just said things. I just told him. My warm heart, right out there in the open. And he had a straight shot with his coldness. At Friendly's, we used to have to wait forever to put ice cream into the glasses that were just out of the dishwasher. They were too hot and would crack if the coldness hit too quickly. Dan was my ice cream. No matter what I feel about anyone now, I am always stopping myself. I am calused. I cannot imagine saying HALF of the things I said to Dan outloud to someone. He told me once that he admired how I could just talk about things.... This is what he meant. I didn't know the power that naivity posessed. My innocence. My sweet heart.... calused, closed, stiffled. It seems that to be strong is to wear armour - to be impenetrable. It's the opposite. To be strong is knowing how much your vulnerability can hurt you - but exposing it anyway. To wear armour is to run away from love. Still, everytime I try to let it happen and that tinge of rejection stings me - whether real or in my head - I curse myself for opening up again. I want to put up my no vacancy sign on my heart to ward off pain... but I know it will ward off pain AND love. I feel like I am breaking everyday. I feel silly for trying to open up with Tom. He came to visit last week and it was so good. We had dinner and went out for ice cream. He stayed til noon the next day and left his wallet. I called him and met him in Westfield with it - we woulda gone to lunch but I had a meeting to go to. It felt fresh and airy. The weather was good - outside and inside. I was happy with us. He found out some weird news that weekend and has been so down. About that and a whole bunch of life things. I got to play my supportive, caring role. I have been playing it since. I want to be near him. I want to hold him. I want our hearts to connect. Why is it that I am attracted to sadness? I find kindred spirit most in sadness. The sadness made me love him more. He hasn't visited this week. Honestly, there hasn't been a time for him to come. I've been working a lot of random days - and he's in a funk, so I can understand him not feeling like doing anything. Still - I want to be near him when he has weirdness going on. I don't feel like I can be there for him enough when we're at such a distance. I don't know. He confided in me though. He confided in me with hugeness. He trusts me. That's a lot. I don't know if I would be able to trust so much. I tried to with Dan. Oh Dan... you ruined naive sweet Bessy. DAN is the reason I second guess EVERYTHING I do with Tom. EVERYTHING I say or text or do or even THINK. I would love to believe that I was able to change Dan instead of him having this impact on me. But it's easier to pull someone down than to lift them up. Why does this world have such negative tendancies? Why is it so hard to be happy? To have good? To keep things steady, easy, fun. Why is it so much easier to be SAD. Not easier... I guess I mean.... it happens without effort. It is not easy. it is ROCKS on me. a ton of rocks. the sadness is EVERYWHERE. It's human. Atrophy. A system left to itself... This life just feels too much like an uphill battle. Happiness is against everything natural. I want to let go. I want to stop this fight! One way or another. I WANT THIS TO END. How much fight do we have in us?? Why are the sad parts so much longer and more abundant that the good parts. Why are the good parts so few and far between. The sadness SWALLOWS me. SWALLOWS. engulfs. I am digested. Conquered. Strong? I cannot be strong! At least not for much longer! And everytime I am sad about anything or even nothing.... I am pulled down FURTHER by my Caleb memories. Those will NEVER BE EASY. They say eventually all that hurts will process..... it will get easier with time. THIS DOES NOT GET EASIER. I CANNOT PROCESS. All that was worth it DIED. My life is an after thought of all that I had in Caleb. I KNOW I have a lot of good, I know that I have a million blessings. I KNOW that I wouldn't give up the good I have.... but.... I just have sooo many rocks. I am burried by rocks. Maybe death happens when you are all used up. When there has been too much hurt, too many rocks. I am burried already. I wouldn't give up my Caleb memories for anything in the world. I love him and cherish him forever. I love him forever. I wish we went together. That's too powerful to say. But part of me really does feel it. Someday this life will make sense, someday we will see that the peices do fit. I can't wait til my effort can stop and I can be enlightened. I give Tom my words of hope and encouragement. I give him hope from my heart. and it is in earnest. It is sincere. I do believe those thimgs. Sometimes I just wish I had someone to tell them to me. My "strength" will be the death of me. When you dig my grave, could you make it shallow so that I can feel the rain
Thu, Apr. 23rd, 2009, 08:08 am
Before bed.
I told my story of Tom and Dan at work last night. I forgot how involved that Dan story is. I was on the verge of tears while talking. So unexpected. I wouldn't have said anything at all if I knew I was that emotional about it. I was just talking about me and my life stuff and it came up... I didn't realize how hard giving him up was going to be. I kinda thought that I was at a place where it would be ok now. I would be preoccupied by Tom and giving up Dan would be ok. I have really not put much thought into it. My stance is that when / if Tom and I have that "exclusive" conversation or something similar, than I would stop with Dan. As much as it makes my belly hurt to think of Tom being with another girl, it makes my belly hurt just the same thinking about giving up Dan. Typing it makes my eyes well a little. I love Dan. I have such strong love for him. I know it can't work, and I know there is some annimosity there that probably couldn't ever be truely resolved. I know that I don't want to be in something that isn't 100%. But I also know that I just love him and I have never been able to full quench it. Tom came to visit this week. He stayed with me Monday night. It was a beautiful amazing boring easy laidback magical night. It was the fist night together that was on purpose. He touched me on purpose, we cuddled on purpose, we fit together on purpose. I was on the computer and he was standing over me, he leaned his head on mine - on purpose! I (love) him and he (loves) me and it's out in the open. We are nice to each other on purpose. I love him. I am happy. He makes me jump. He is my fire. But I love Dan and cutting that off will be a big deal in my life. Dan touched me like no other. He holds a special place. I am so tired of bittersweetness. I am so tired of having sad taint my happy. I am so tired of tears. I am so tired. Tired of being sad. When will this end for me? I want to just splash in happy naivity. I want to love and be loved - equally. With no question of where loyalties lie. I just want to let go of this heavy heart. I have carried it so long. Time for sleep.
Mission ignore was an interesting mission. I was in my valley - discontented with both of them, decided it was time to scrap it all and start all over. Engaged mission ignore.
Ignoring Dan is just the same as everyday life. I mean, I think he got the hint. That weekend, he invited me over to his Agawam house to watch the fire with him and have a few beers. He invited me at 3pm . I blew him off for a while and then ended up going there around 9. It was an awkward greeting. He didn't know how to do it. I don't think he knew how to respond to me saying that I didn't want a relationship with him. The fire was fun. We laughed and talked. We were friends. It was great. At the end he was like.... so, are you hungry at all? I was thinking about maybe going to get some food and making it at your house. I was like - um no not hungry at all but you can get stuff and come over. So he went to Wendy's and met me at my house. It was a good night. I definitely looked at him differently. Something had been lost. I was totally ok with it. On Monday, he came over again. We went to stop and shop and got some catfish. Made a delicious meal together. I was so pleased. It was fun. He was littled. Humbled, I think. Felt lucky to be next to me. He came over again that week. We watched a movie. I left the subtitles on cause I just happen to love subtitles. He used to always turn them off when we watched movies at his house in times past. Well it was his tv then, it was his house. This was My tv and My house. He made a big deal over how annoying it was. I told him to remember all of the years that I went without them at his house. He told me that he was my guest and I should be more considerate of his feelings. I said, maybe I have been too considerate for too long. A joking, lighthearted, fake argument with laughing, playing and a small little sliver of reality included. A little poke at his side. A little extra, "This is why we are not together, Dan." A little jab. He was quiet and watched the movie. And then I blew him. This is what he wanted. He wanted nothing more than the very basic. He pushed me away forever and ever. He said, "I know what you want me to be but I can't be that." He said. "Nothing has to change except we won't be in a relationship." Well, Dan. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED. THIS IS WHAT YOU GAVE UP. Now the tables are turned. He is humbled. He looks at me the way I looked at him. I'm sorry, Dan. I wish you hadn't pushed me away like you did. I wish you realized what you had when you had me. YOU HAD ME. He had me... He's realized he lost me. It's over forever.
Tom's response was amazing. The male Moro reflex. Didn't talk to him all weekend. Two-word responses at most. It was annoying but I was pissed anyway so it came semi-naturally. Tuesday he came home like usual. I was babysitting overnight in Belchertown. He text me all happy, wanted to do something. I was like- I'm babysitting. He wanted to come over, wanted to make me dinner. Steaks. I said, well you can make whatever you want but I'm not eating meat. He came over, made a steak for himself and teriyaki-marinated salmon for me. Asparagus and Rice pilaf. It was one of my best meals. Amazingly delicious. I held in my bizarrment at his culinary masterpiece and instead just said... this is good. We sat at the dining room table - no tv on. Just him across from me at the table, talking, eating. together. At one point during the cooking process, he was looking for the can opener. Couldn't find it anywhere. It was in the first drawer I looked in - I told him he was useless. He said, "Aren't all guys useless? I mean, we never can give you what you want." I said - no, not all of you and what is it that we want, anyway? He didn't know. I let that convo end there. A convo about men and women in general that was really just about him and me. I love our accidental metaphoric conversations. I was cold but still soft. He knew. He was extra sticky to me. Wanted to melt me a little. I was strong. We slept on the couches downstairs - a sectional. He slept on one leg of the L and I on the other - our heads meeting at the corner. He kept trying to be nearer to me. I just stayed where I was. Then, in the night, we were both sleepily stirring at the same time. He grabbed my hand and I held onto him with both of mine. Our semi-conscious sweetness. And I was warm again.
The next week, it was my turn to make dinner. I was freaking out about making something delicious and not fucking it up. Also, I wanted to make fish but he isn't a big fan so that was another problem. I ended up making breaded, seasoned talapia with sweet potato casserole and a delicious greek salad. My house was a disaster and I hadn't showered, still had to cook and it was almost time for him to get there. Then, the sky opened up and the spirit of God must have descended into my Van Deene apartment and stopped time for me. When Tom walked in the door, the fish was just coming out of the oven, casserole had just finished cooling, I was showered and lovely, house was beautiful - even dishes from making dinner were done. A miracle. I played it off like it was no big deal. Of course everything would be perfect.... inside I was completely shocked. He loved my fish. Loved it all. Said I outdid him. I was like noooo..... both were good meals. But yeah, I totally outdid him. I smiled on the inside. He was officially back in. I didn't look at him any differently. Nothing I felt for him changed. In fact, I was back stronger than before. So dangerous. So risky. So sneaky and tempting, tempestuous and addictive. He just sucks me back in.
Mission ignore was initaited to test feelings. THIER feelings. To put them both on the line and find out what was real. It did was it was suppsed to do.... but with MY feelings. The end result did shed some light on how they felt but had so much more of an impact on me than I anticipated. It boiled away all of the excess and left me with what was solid. Things I never thought I would allow myself to do: shut off to Dan and open up to Tom.
Tom's contract with the base was supposed to last til June. 3 Fridays ago they told him he and the rest of his dept was being laid-off on the following Thursday. 6 day notice. That last week, we both silently freaked out and became like glue. Same thing that happened when we thought he was leaving in December.... except a little more intense. We were married that week. Tuesday was our last night together. We went bowling with his friends, got drunk and came back here. Laying in bed, I said.... so that's it, Tom, our last night together. He said, I'm just up the street, not far at all. "But you'll have no reason to come here anymore...." He moaned a sarcastic agreement.... I said - well, you can come here anytime. and he held me tighter.
Thursday night I worked, he had gone out with the guys the night before and stayed at my apt. He was there when I got home in the morning. What a beautiful thing. I come home, tired and worn out from busy business, empty-headed, sore-footed and I find him - my sweet Tom, gorgeous beautiful Tom, sleeping in my bed. I changed, crawled in next to him and snuggled and slept a sweet sleep. We woke up at 11 or so and had our real goodbye time. I love his pillow lips. Fluffy pillow lips. I don't remember when sex became less about sex and more about an excuse to be kissing him.
He left, and over the next week without him, I was oh so sad. I genuinely missed him. I missed him being around me. I had bought a new tv and surround sound system a little while back. He had come with me to pick it out and help me bring it home. He set up everything for me. We had dinner together every night that he was home with me.... tues weds and thursdays. He came babysitting. He did his homework here while I watched tv or cleaned or otherwise occupied myself. Every thursday we went out drinking, went bowling, to the bar, to the strip club. I tried to plan my work nights around when he was here. We made dinners, we went to bed at the same time. He had a designated towel. He loved my cat, would pet her all the time. At some point through all this, I became accustomed to his face. Accustomed to his presence. He was my little pretend husband. It was fun. I guess it was just so gradual and progressive that I never stopped to notice how intense it had gotten. I looked forward to 6 o'clock when he would get here from work. I never stopped to really realize how much I ........ loved him. Until that week that he was gone.
I realized it suddenly last Thursday. I realized that I needed to tell him IMMEDIATELY and in person. His birthday was Friday and I wanted to tell him before he went out. I don't know why I didn't freak out about his more.... it was like my heart was a magnet to him. I could do nothing but follow it to NY. Thursday I baked him a little little cake, frosted it beautifully and stuck a little blue candle in the top. I went to work that night and in the morning drove straight to ny- scrubs and all. Sleepy, after-work Bessy, following her heart to confess her love. Driving a distance to wish him happy birthday with a confession on the side. I was awake all day before work, and was nauseous tired! But it didn't matter. I needed to do what I needed to do. My plan was to go there, have him meet me outside, give him his cake and tell him my tiny speech - get in my car before he had a chance to respond and drive home. A flawless plan! But tired Bessy lingers..... So instead I let him convince me to go inside. I ended up staying there til 130! Watched tv, listened to music on his high school bed in his high school room, pet his dog that I haven't seen since June... toured his house, talked about nothing and everything, had really fun basement sex, kissed his lips knowing that it might quite possibly be the last time I kiss them while things were good. I was so afraid I would take these steps I had planned and just be let down. It took me the WHOLE DAY to unlock my secret from my closed throat.
Finally, I decided to just leave... he walked me to my car. I was about to go without saying it and I thought - NO BESSY. You came all the way here, you put in all of this effort. If you go home now, you will be SOOO disappointed. So finally I sighed and said - Tom. I decided I like you now. He said.... what??? I said, the other day, I decided I like you now... Tom- As opposed to when??? Me - As opposed to before, when I didn't like you... I decided I like you and I had to tell you right away in person. So I built you a cake like Pedro says to do and that is why I am really here. He began to walk towards me a little red-cheeked.... I made a fist and tapped his chest with it... I said, But that's just for you to know, Don't say anything, just think about it... And he grabbed me and hugged me for a long time.
In hind-sight, I am amazed I didn't start crying in his arms but I think I was in too much of a sympathetic nervous system response to have any kind of emotion. I walked around to the driver's side. He said sweetly - call me when you get home so I know you're safe. And then he remembered who we were and he said - actually don't call, just text. And I said - I wouldn't have anyway. Gave him a little Joey Potter smile and got in my car. Began my journey home - I fulfilled my conquest and was proud of myself. Still I was response-less. The hug was response enough for the time being. The hug and the sweet concern for safe driving. The red cheeks, the honey glaze in his eyes. The whole morning we spent together before the confession. The past 11 months.... My Tom.
Then a Text... FYI I like you too. You just caught me off gaurd! I got in quiet, shy, embarrassed mode.
Reply - Really??? I so glad I said something. I am shocked and amazed!
Him - Shocked and amazed at what....
Me - um.... that you like me too...
Him - That's stupid! Did you really think he could chill for a year, practically live together and not have feelings? That's crazy!
Me - That does sound crazy, I guess. But I def would not put it past you to have a new gf by now or something.
Him - lol no gf... too much work.
Oh Tom, not too much work! You've just been dating the wrong girls! A complete Tom and Bessy conversation. This is EXACTLY characteristic of a confession story we would have. Can't quite explain it.... it was a huge romantic gesture, story-book appropraite. But presented so nonchalantly and deflated. Such a low-key, just-friends sounding manner. Just us. Just Tom and Bessy. It was cute. I hope I got across the severity of this... at least a hint of it. I mean. I more than like him. I have these huge feelings for him that I don't know what to do with. I do not know what to do with them. I would have stuffed them into my bra and hid them forever if possible, poured water over the fire til it was saturated and went out, hid then in a dark cavern for an extended period of time... but I was ooooooooozing emotion for him. I could not contain it. It was like the SUN was inside of me and was shining vibrantly out of every orifice - out of every pore. No sense in hiding that. It would be an impossible feat. I am glad I got it out.
I love him.
I cannot say that outloud EVER.
I have no idea where this new found connection leaves us, but I will follow his lead.
Also, he was supposed to come visit me tonight and never came. I was sad, but then I wrote this post and realized I am happy instead. I can't wait to slide down his esophagus and splash around in his stomach acid.
This is love. Gooey love.
Here it comes again. The darkness. I am defenseless. Dan came over last night. It was an excellent time. Great sex. I think some of the best we've ever had. Good convo, good tv, good sleep and good ending. He's definitely not my end-all. I know this, I embrace it. But it was a good time. I am ready to let it finally transition to fuck buddy for good. I'm not sad about this transition. I am sad at the ending of an era. A deflation. I am sad at the hope and heartbreak. I am sad about the chagnes and transitions of life in general. Things moving and changing, people separating, the yarn-ball of life unraveling. It's bittersweet. I remember the love I felt for him, the things I wanted for us- for me, for him. I remember my naivity. I thought this would be so healthy. There's nothing deeper there. I am looking for something deeper. I want to dig - dig and dig and dig. I want a bottomless pit. I want treasure. I want to dig and find sweet water. Push the sand away and find a well. I want a well. I definitely have feelings for Tom. I text him about Valentines. Asked him if he woulda come over if I didnt have plans. He said yes and that he def would have if I had asked. I wish he asked. My hesitations about him are valid, though. My hesitations are real and are serious to concider. Thurs he had to go back to NY after work and was gonna maybe drive back here that same night. I wasn't banking on it. But, lo and behokd, he called on his way back - said he was an hour and a half away but was way too tired and couldn't make it. Had to check into a hotel. Said he didn't want to stay there alone, wanted to know if I would go meet him. An hour and a half away! At 1030 at night! Crazy.... I was feeling ambitious, a little reckless adandon, ready for an adventure. I drove there! I was leaving Melissa's anyway - was already driving home.... so I just readjusted my destination on my gps and by midnight was in a hotel suite next to sleeping caveman Tom. Our once hot, passionate sex is becoming routine. I pulled away after he was about to be done - I told him I just drove an hour and a half, it's gotta be longer than 5 minutes. It was oh like maybe 15. It's still good, but getting boring. I don't feel like there's that connection like there used to be. I still have it though... Why is he pulling away from me? Morning sex was amazing. Morning sex is always amazing with him. We left together at 6, said goodbye in the parking lot and then again silently when he got off his exit and I stayed on 91. We watched each other make our separate ways. It was a fun time. A crazy spontaneous random exciting tiny trip... ....and I haven't heard from him since. Such mixed signals. He's got his NY girls, I know. They have the fire now. They get the best of him now. I'll hear from him again on Tuesday when he wonders if he'll have a bed to sleep in while visiting Spfld. Sometimes he is so datey, and then sometimes I wonder if he's just using me as a place to stay. Wednesday he came babysitting with me - we played house. The baby slept and we cuddled in the warm little house together, went to bed together, he left for work in the am and we kissed goodbye. I should have packed him a lunch. It made my insides quiver, it was beautiful. Now this. I am so freaked out by these emotions. Maybe he's just freaked out too. I like boyfriend Tom the best. When he is someone else's boyfriend, I get the passion. The confusion about where his heart is gets dropped. Thats the simplest way. I text Dan today and asked him if he was dating someone - I don't know why I got that feeling but I just did a little bit last night. I didn't care, I just wondered. He said no. I asked if he would tell me if he was. His response was, "I don't want things to start getting weird between us... Maybe we shouldn't hang out so much..." What? I told him, "I'm not being werid at all, I just wondered. Things are perfect the way they are. I don't want a relationship at all right now. If you were dating someone I would be happy for you. I just wondered if you would tell me. You obviously wouldn't have to." He hasn't responded. Why do I keep opening my heart? I need to close it and lock it. I need to stop being vulnerable. I am right now without Dan and without Tom. I have entered a valley. I wear a frown all too well. It's time to start over. I am not digging any deeper with either of them. Not unless they dig first. I am starting over... once this depression subsides.
Sometimes it all comes together, somtimes you're just a fool in love.
I'm pissy. Who knows why. Went to Jami's tonight for girl's night. I hate girl's night. I just don't like it. Pizza, wine, hot tub, movie - Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants... I HATE girl's night. I skipped out on the last one, though, and was feeling a little guilty. I have weird feelings about those friends for absolutely no reason. I decided I owed it to them to go and try my best to have fun. Well, I went. That movie was just so bad. The whole time it was bad. Every part was bad. I rolled my eyes. constantly. And everything anyone said made me annoyed. I couldn't even figure out why! I was bothered by how bothered I was. Not just tonight though, I have been migrating from them for a long time. I am very tired of and disappointed in my friends lately. There's no deeper dimension. And really it's not their fault. All Jami wants is for me to be around and happy etc etc. Great intentions. I don't know. I just feel like there is something so lacking there. There is nothing deeper, nothing else there. I love them but I just can't find any more. I have taken what I need to take from them, I have grown away. I miss the nights back at Coochini's, at the bar, with my sweet Dan, playing games, mixing drinks, laughing, staying late, talking about nothing. I am unsettled, no longer content with that.
Maybe it stems from the separation from Dan. I'm not sure why or how, but I do think some of my bitterness towards them comes from Dan. I can't even logic that out. I am starting to realize that despite the slow but steady progress between us, Dan isn't the right one for me. It's hard to say outloud, it's even hard to type. We had an amazing Valentine's night. But. This just isn't right. My heart towards him is achey and worn. I need someone who will take care of me, want me, lead me, get me, know me. I'm not sure he has that capability. He has the power and opportunity to see so much deeper into the world and into life - but he doesn't take it. He doesn't grasp it. We are not at equal levels. He is beautiful and wonderful and amazing, but I can't be his coach. He doesn't take me and hold me. He doesn't give me the safe feeling. I need to be comsumed. He doesn't consume me. I was so sure he was the right one. He could be. He could be the right one. But he won't be. He won't give in. And the longer I wait and hope and hold on, the bigger the bitterness can become. I don't want it to be too little too late with him. I don't want to be closed to him. I don't want to be angry. I want to keep the love I have left for him in my heart and still move on. I am sad my heart has to keep breaking.
My Tarrot card for the day was The Tower. It spoke volumes of this time in my life:
The Tower represents sudden and unexpected change. It signifies the destruction of something that was not built on a solid foundation. With this change comes a time of disorder and chaos, but from this comes great improvement and newfound strength. This is an opportunity for you to start over and right your wrongs.
I am interested in where the Tom thing is going. We have been getting unexpetedly and dangerously close the past few weeks. I am scared but excited. I feel a lot of things towards him that I don't want to admit outloud. I am nervous and scared- terrified! about the possibility of me actually having feelings for him. We have had some really awesome nights here. It continues to be comfortable and easy, relaxed, safe, warm, hot, delicious. I like to look at him. I like to be next to him. I like him being here. I don't care if he gets toothpaste in the sink and doesn't wash it away. I am wondering if he would have done something with me on V day if I hadn't already had plans. He kinda made it seem that way. I am very curious what he thinks about all this. We are constantly intertwined. It definitely is different from how it ever has been in the past. I wonder where his mind is. I would love to know. I asked my 3 year old nephew what I should do. He said, "Just ask him." I think I will. My tarrot card for today - 50 minutes into it... is the fool:
The Fool desires to achieve great things in life, but does not always anticipate the hard work required. Full of curiosity and searching for answers, the Fool symbolizes a new beginning and endless optimism. He must be careful in the decisions he makes, as his lack of experience is often a hindrance. While others may avoid taking on insurmountable odds, The Fool will attempt to accomplish near impossible goals with almost reckless abandon.
I'm gonna try some reckless abandon. I get nervous that I am reading into things that I shouldn't be reading into. But... the signals must be there.... or else I wouldn't be feeling them so strongly... right? Tom holds me - he engulfs me. I feel safe. We have fire between us. There is no hesitation. We are so compatible, so similar. I feel like I could be lead by him, follow him, be guided. I feel like he would want to know me. I would trust him to take care of me. With Dan, I feel like when we are together we are separate people. With Tom... it's different.
I don't like this. I don't like it at all. I have a heavy head, heavy heart.
Fri, Jan. 30th, 2009, 04:39 pm
Red Sea
Pretend relationship with Tom is going well. Last week we went Bowling.... I love love love Bowling, but it is so date-y. I was worried that I would get weirded out. He came over after work and we played name that tune on his Blackberry. I was incredibly bad at it. No surprise, it was all old music.... Music that I know for no reason, could never tell you the title or band. Music that I probably only know from the commercials for 80's rock ballads where they play a whole bunch of random clips from the cd... Anyway it was comfy and easy and simple. We went to Liquori's and played I spy and had the most delicious pizza that has ever entered this mouth. Then met some of his work friends at Bowling. Yay - other people make it not date-y! Beer and Bowling and Boys. I wore jeans and a tool t-shirt. So low key... so perfect. Then strip club. So so so so so fun with them. It was one of the greatest, most carefree nights I've had in a loooong time. I was just laughing and smiling. We went home and drunkenly inhaled our leftover pizza and then had the craziest most perfect sex. Woke up still drunk and I am still finding more bruises on me from that night! Oh My God amazing. It was like being with someone that wants to do the same things as me. Like being with me. Little kid games mixed with alcohol and sex? Who woulda thought. I don't even think when I'm with him. I just be.
This week was boring. I was sick out of my mind. Vomiting every time I stood up. Damn those sick people at work. ugh. What do they think this is? A Hospital? The difference is, they get a nurse call bell and I get to lay in my dark apartment by myself moaning and becoming more and more depressed by the minute. Anyway, I started being sick on Wednesday.
Tuesday! Tuesday my little bird Dan came over. Tom was supposed to come stay here but he was sick in NY (the cold kind, not the belly kind) so I figured what the hell - I'll give Dan a try. Text him and he actually could come! We got a movie and were together. Futon time is great Dan time. We talked and were connected. We were friends and more. He makes me laugh like no one can, he makes me smile on the inside like the world is great. He is so real. He loves me in the real way. I can trust him with my self. I can trust him to love me like a man should love me, to take care of me. I feel... right with him. I feel like I can be weak with him and its ok. With him, it's safe to be vulnerable.
Tom is a fire - consuming but unpredictable and dangerous. Dan is a rock - solid, strong, trustworthy. I can build my life on him. He is the healthy choice.... And for some reason, I can't stop loving him. I am suffocating in love for him. When is the healthy choice ever the right choice?
My weird 2 week long obsession with Ryan Seacrest finally went away.
Dan has a possibility of getting a job with UMass which means he could go to school for free. It is the answer to a lot of wants for him. I want him to get it and I want his life to get more organized and I want him to feel situated. I want him to feel more settled. I think it will be good for us. I want the Red Sea to part so that we can be together. I want it to be easy. I want to be his and him to be mine. I want his life to be perfect, Which means I have to be in it. I texted him to see what he's doing tonight.... Sun, Jan. 18th, 2009, 02:47 am
Hiccups
I am going to preface this by saying I am totally drunk and please disregaurd anything I say: I didn't take anyone home with me tonight and I so woulda. hmm... It was such a fun night! Me and Ashley B - Beshley, We are number 1 on many games at Champions. Imagine how funny that would have been if Dan was there, Oh sweet Dan. I wanna be on him. I hope he went to coochini's tonight, I hope he went cause I didn't and I want him to have missed me. I HATE the hiccups. I looooove Ashley, We are so the same. She is great. Bond. So I totally care for Tom as a person and dare I say it... as a friend. I told him he can stay here if he ever needs a place. He stayed here 3 nights last week and the week before he came to my work to get my key and stayed here while I worked. um thats odd. Great though. But guess what. We like hang out and then fuck at least once and then sleep and cuddle and then have morning sex and then he goes to work and when he gets up I snuggle into the spot where he was..... I had some trouble getting quality sleep while he was next to me but I got so used to it and now I sleep like a rock. It's so comfy. And I miss him a little when he's not snoring in my bed with me. It's weird that I don't hate him. He had a pregnancy scare a couple days ago. I hated him for a minute. I think though that I only hated him cause I thought I was going to involuntarily. His fucking crazy-girl insane ridiculous ex. Ew. What the hell. What an idiot. I didn't care that he slept with someone, I didn't care even that she might be pregs... I just cared that it was HER. She is totally nuts crazy stupid. Ugh. A terrible person to be tied to Forever. Damn. No but I actually did hate him for a minute. I hated him cause he made me lose some more of my hope. Hope for someone stronger than the weak fucks that are so common. She caught him at a "weak" moment. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Fuck that. SHe's insane. Why would you even flirt with that danger? ugh. so dumb. I told him from the beginning of the scare it was negative. She just wanted an excuse to talk to him and get his head in a tizy and get him to feel more attached. She's so crazy and dumb and pointless. I wished it was new girl instead. At least she's level headed. At least being tied to her would have been a good thing for him. I like new girl. New girl is good. Anyway, I had the I hate you talk with him. The disappointed talk with him. He definitely got the vibe and tried to make it ok. ew. He knew I was justly hating on him. He tried to fix it for a minute. You can't effortly fix me hating you. That doesn't work. But for some reason I took pity on him. For some reason, I felt he was a kindred spirit. He is a kindred spirit. We are so the same. It is sooo weird that 8 months and I still don't hate him. He was like wanna take a shower. I said ew no - why would I want to take a shower? I already did. You want to, I don't, so go. he was like cause its fun. I said ew. I was detached. Then I hated him some more for a while. Then bed. Then I decided it would be ok to have sex but I wasn't going to put in any effort, and then he went down on me and he never does. It was so an offering to make me not be pissed. I wasn't pissed at his actions! I was pissed that he was weak and pathetic and ugh gross. Bad decisions make me gag. He knew I was right. I am so right. But then I stopped hating him. The test was negative. He's an idiot but for SOME reason it was ok. He shows some hints of wanting more. Just some very very vague ones. But still. Maybe he doesn't mean to, I don't know. Still. Its weird. Still, I love Dan. Dan is for real, Dan is for life. As long as he is around there is no serious with ANYONE. Dan is my Dan. Still, I like to pretend relationship with Tom. I could totally get used to this. Dinner and sex everynight. Wow. That is so much fun. I guess relationships can be fun. hmm......... weird. But anyway, he is going back to school so he will only be here like one or two nights a week so that will be perfect. I can have Tom in the week, Dan on the weekends. oh I love me. Deep breath. I am amazing. I am so drunk. Ok- goodnight.
Fri, Jan. 2nd, 2009, 06:07 pm
Layers
Lj, I have been thinking of you lately. I need to unload these thoughts. What a nice thought receptacle you are.
I ran out of clean towels, so I have to use my larger than life sized beach towel. The colors are fun though and they make me feel brilliant. I am wrapped in it right now. I feel like I have my best thought unloading times in a towel. I am back to basics in my towel. Just me without any extra. If I could love someone even in a towel... that would be sincere trusting love. That is total rambling. Total. Ok.
It's funny how I choose to write only about a select few manfriends. I have to assume they are the ones that are important. Well I know Dan is. I think Tom is just "important" becuase it's been such a long time. I helped him pack. He's out of his house and into his Springfield friend's til the end of the month then back to NY. I think I might visit him there................ That is a bold statement if I ever heard one. After 8 months, I am biginning to show him a little vulnerability. I HATE it. But it is well received and I LOVE that. I was vulnerable to him about my break-in. Just the smallest bit of insight to Bessy and he got it. He knew. That's cute. I helped him pack. I wasn't going to. I try to not be sweet to him. I don't want to be friends. buuuuuuuut. I wanted to help him. so I did. I wonder if he woulda helped me. Maybe I should move and find out. um no. Never do I ever want to even think about packing. oh God. How stressing. It makes my tongue sweat. SO yeah, that was fun. We went out the other night and had the greatest bar convo. I wish I was sober enough to remember more of it. How invaluable drunken conversations are. It makes me make a sidewards glance half smile. Like I know something I shouldn't. I think I might like his character just a little. Which is weird. Cause he's a total douche. But so am I. Oh the layers. I think we are on a new layer of each other. Scary. yikes. But yeah, that's definitely true.
Great segway into Dan story.
Christmas party at Dan's this year was a huge thing. I bulletpoint in our relationship outline. He was more drunk than sweet Dan has ever been. Drunker that the drunkest Dan. James and I agree, Christmas Dan is the drunkest of Dan's. This time, wow. He was soooooo fun... for like a half hour. and then dissappeared. My friends found him in his car totally passed out. So I stood there drinking my beer thinking.... do I really have to go do this now? Must this happen? I stood in the house and my heart longed to be in the car with him. Caring for him. Being his girl. But wow the heartbreak that thought entails. I knew it would be heartbreak. Enwrapped in the memory of what we were, what we had and lost. Playing the role I die to play everyday. The heaviness. He posesses my heart. So I took a deep breath, finished my nearly full beer in one desperate move to grasp a state of mind that wouln't be vulnerable to this, went outside and found him. My sweetness in his own very vulnerable state. So I got in the pasenger seat. He was like a ragdoll over the center console, With his head held up on his crippled-looking wrist. I moved his hand and put his heavy drunk head on my shoulder. And there we sat, in our separate but somehow connected vulnerable states. I held him. I also held the lump in my throat and kept my eyes dry with every bit of strength in me. My head resting on his, smelling his smell, remembering him. I wished this was real and not something meaningless born out of a drunken lethargy. I held him until he started to wake up, I reached over him and opened his door so he could throw up. If there's one thing I can do well, it's take care of people - especially sick people. I am good at making my heart external. With him, I do that involuntarily. So I took him to my car and brought him home. Dropped him off and watched him walk sideways aross the entire width of the driveway into the bushes. I got out and walked him inside, told him Merry Christmas with my little girl eyes and went back in my car. Back to the party. Parked, opened my sun visor mirror and looked at her. Defenseless Bessy. Felt sorry and compassionate for her for a moment and then changed. Let of a deflating sigh and I said, "Bessy, now you swallow this emotion, you go inside and you be Dan, represent him, make his party perfect, do this in his name. Run it for him, make him proud. Then go home and feel what you need to feel, process this all later. For now, be his girl." So I wiped my eyes, gave myself a quite believable fake party girl smile and went inside. I was happy, lively, fun, laughy. I did the swap and passed out his gifts for the random little things he does every year. I played drunk but was secret;y just managing everyone and everything. I made sure all the drunk people had sober enough drivers and that no one burned the house down. My friends had left almost immediately after I got back, so this was me and all of Dan's friends. People I may have met once or twice at a wedding or two. People that I may have said hi to at Bruno's. People that have only known me as Dan's. People that know it's been a year since we were together. But people that really don't know me at all. Finally it started to become a smaller crowd. I sat by the fire and had great times and laughs with Dan's friends. WIth HIS side. His sister was stressing about having to stay and close up the house, she was sick and really shouldn't haven been there in the first place. I felt her enlarged lymph nodes and sent her home. I told her "Maria, I'm already staying." I told her - "I'm here til the end, both for the party and for ever." She laughed and loved me. Dan's close friends are sooo sooo protective of him. They love him, they would do anything for him. I made big points with all of them at this party. I sat at the fire with his friends and we just joked and laughed and sobered up together, watched the fire go out and then it was just me and his friend Paul. Now this is were Dan's Bessy is so different than regular Bessy. We cleaned his house - like completely. It was a trainwreck. It was disasterous. We cleaned it for hours. We had music, we had fun doing it. Well, I did at least, I had already planned on doing it, so it really wasn't a big deal. I'm not really sure why he stayed... I do know that I could have had him under me in 2 seconds though. I do know that regular Bessy would have. Instead, Dan's Bessy didn't even entertain the idea. We cleaned and turned off the lights and left. We left at 5:15. I went home and passed out. It was a great transition back to reality. I didn't have to process before sleeping. I was so tired that I was just out. Woke up and was settled. Proud of myself. The night was so positive for me. It is so hard to make yourself do these vulnerable things, it is so hard to initate them but when you do - and you do it right, or should I say, do it for the right person... the results are amazing. I was amazed. He called me at lunch time from work. He had his grateful sound. The I'm sorry you had to care for me. Thank you for caring even though you didn't have to.- kind of sound in his voice. He went to the house in the morning and saw everything we did. His heart was happy. I would do anything for him. anything. I made points with his friends, I made better points with him. He knows now that I am genuine. I am his for real. I am his. He slept over after Coochini's Christmas that weekend. I saw him for New Years eve but didn't come over. New Years morning I text him to come over and be lazy with me. I called in a sushi etc order and he picked up the food and some movies on his way. We spent the whole day on my futon. Food, movies, sex, pajamas. The whole day til I left for work. Magical. He is now more than a booty call and more than an ex. We are on a new layer.
Layers.
After going out, Tom's friend slept in his living room and Tom and I slept in bed. We entangled ourselves in each other. I don't mean sex, I mean while sleeping. There's after sex meaningless cuddle and then there's cuddle thats a little more. This had the feeling that it was supposed to be a little more. It felt like relationshipy cuddle. I think me and Tom are playing relationship. We are like make believing it. Neither of us want to actually be with each other but it is fun to have someone around to do that stuff with. It is fun. It is simple and easy and fun. This thing with him keeps being simple, easy and fun. It makes me feel like a cloud kinda. The perfect setup. I have my serious and my not serious. Tom is the perfect stress reliever from seriousness. My remedy. We went to breakfast in the morning I looked ridiculously terrible. I was at my core, my basics, like how I am in this towel. But I loved to be there with him. I genuinely appreciate what he brings to my life. Never would I ever say that outloud to him because he would absolutely take it the wrong way. He doesn't know about Dan. Tom provides me with the perfect .... wow I just lost the word. completely gone.... damn. it was a great word. Well what I mean is, I can have serious with Dan without going completely insane because that's what seriousness does to people. Makes you go out of your mind. I can stop myself from texting or calling him successfully because I am preoccupied with Tom, I can stop being irrational in the moment cause Tom takes my mind off of it until I am already done processing. He does provide me with a great service. He is good to have. And also He Doesn't Like Me. and that is amazzzzzzzzzing. Doesn't happen often. We both benefit equally from this. I looooooooooooove it.
I love when there's a theme to my current life that I don't know until I blog.
The theme of my life right now it to remember how vulnerable I am despite my strength. I can never be strong enough to fight the fact that I am a single girl. The world is too big for me no matter how big I am. I am just scared lately. I don't like to feel this way. I feel unsafe everywhere. everywhere. It's cry-worthy. I cried a few times.
No one is supposed to be able to treat me this way. I am sweet Bessy. I feel like the carpet got pulled out from under me.
Nothing helps.
One thing helps.
I feel so weird. Tue, Dec. 9th, 2008, 05:51 am
5 years
At this time 5 years ago I was hallucinating because of the Ambien they gave me to help me fall asleep. I didn't sleep for even one full hour and I was so tired but my mom and I laughed and laughed. It is one of my sweetest memories. I think back on that and I just wish I could go to that moment and tell myself to realize how special it was right then. I wish I could go in that room and watch my mom and I laugh and just hold my belly. I wish I could tell old me to save him. If it was now, I could save him. I wish I could have saved him. I thought pregnancy life was bad. I thought that drama was so bad... and it was, it was terrible. But I had no idea what laid ahead. I laughed with my mom and I had no idea what laid ahead. I had no idea about the impending doom. I didn't know even a peice of the horror that was to come. I wish I could go back to that time and wake up. Wake up Bessy! Cherish it. Be there. Be in it. Be with him. I remember laying with him when he was dying and I just pretended for a minute that he wasn't and that everything was good. I imagined that I was laying with his sleeping small self and my family was there to visit. I cuddled him. I would have given him everything I had. Everything. I would have made this life worth it. I would have poured myself out for him. We would have fought together. I went to his grave the other day and brought him some Christmas. A peice of holiday for him. Back then I was so excited to be able to have him home for Christmas. We were going to sit by the tree, I imagined the sparkle of the lights reflecting in his eyes, lighting up his baby face. I remember leaving the hospital. Empty. Alone. Without. without him. Empty belly, empty car seat, empty crib, empty heart. Cut down to nothing. My purpose in life taken away. He became my purpose. I gave up on me. And then he was gone too. Oh Caleb. I wish it was me instead. I wish you were here instead. It's the same weekdays this year too. Tuesday he was born, Thursday he died. 5 years old. A milestone. We'd be best friends. I remember leaving there. I remember walking by the nurse's station and they all just stared, watched me go by. I could feel thier hearts being near mine. Wanting to console me but not knowing how. I was that girl. I was that patient that everyone says "oh that poor poor girl." I was that patient that they thought about for the next few days. But in that moment they could just look. watch me walk by. watch me go home. I wish I could see him again. I just wanna be near him. Oh for just one more look. All of this school, all of this learning, all of this life was built for him. If only I could go back and know what I know. My future propelled by my past. As if it would change it. I'm independant now, Caleb. I am making money for us now, Caleb. I have a home for us and I have insurance for us. Everything we needed then, Caleb, I have it now. I know how to take care of you now, baby. I know what to do now. I learned all of this for you, love. I built this life for you, for us. Oh my whole life is backwards. I have done it all backwards. Caleb come home. I fought so hard. I made it this far. I'll make it to the end. If life is about fighting, then I've got it. I will live this life and still be alive. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to. I am not happy about it. I am not having a good attitude about it. I am doing it becuase I am determined to spite all of those people that didn't think I could. To spite all of those people that wished ill-will on me. To spite all those fuckers that didn't believe I could make life for Caleb and I. To spite all of them that made pregnancy stressful. To spite all of them that looked down on me. Well, Fuck you. I will live this life and still be alive.
So as soon as I give up and accept defeat, something even more powerful happens. I cannot control myself but to love him some more. It's like those fake candles that they put on your b-day cake to make you A) look like an ass and B) not have your wish come true. Dan is back a little. This time waaaay different than ever. I am both excited and intrigued. I was a little disappointed in myself for giving in to the thought of getting over him at first, but, on second thought, I think I needed to in order to be able to be happy with this change. I think I needed to be ok with the thought that nothing was ever going to come out of this in order to be able to not be weird about the new Dan situation. I am in love with this amazing man. This time it's fun and fresh and exciting and there are no weird emotions. It's just easy like I always wanted it to be. Wow. I don't know what to think, so I'm not going to. It is perfect. It has been almost exactly a year. weird. Speaking of years going by, it has almost been 5 since Sweet Caleb. I wonder how different my life would be. I wonder all the things he would know. I wonder what he would learn from me. I wonder if I would be a good mom for him - teach him the right things, teach him to be the right kind of person. Nick is such an amazing kid. Sarah and Joe have been so good to him. I just wonder if Caleb would be the same way. I wanna see them play together. I am so ready for some easiness in life. If this easiness with Dan continues, I will be so relieved and grateful. Still I cannot contact him without his initiation, I cannot get my hopes up prematurely, I cannot let our old relationship live on. I must just be. Live and let live. I am excited and intrigued... He will take me to heaven.
Fri, Nov. 14th, 2008, 01:43 pm
Frozen Meat
I sat down to post cause I felt kinda shitty and then I suddenly felt happy. So I don't know what to say anymore. haha Life is so funny lately. It amuses me that Tom is the one with the other person and not me. All this time, I have been using him as my remedy to bridge the time between Dans and now that that's over (which, yes, I might add, it's still over), I have no one and he suddenly has new girl. Oh how the tables have turned... I am thinking about Christmas party at Dan's. I almost wish I was working so that I would have an excuse not to go and see him and turn into flan (Jiggly but somehow remaining in the same geometric shape). If it's anything like last year, though, I probably won't see him much anyway. We'll have some soup and I'll talk to random people. My goal is to not text him til then. Do you think it's possible??? It has been a week now. Haven't even saved one to drafts! haha. Thursday came and went without any discussion of our show. pretty impressive. I think about him from the minute my eyes open. But it's a sad thought, not a yearning one, so it's still healthy. I am happy with it. Hamburger helper tonight. Work at 7. So I hung out with Tugs a few times. Don't know if I mentioned that. Two days we hung out and it was barely-keep-myself-from-jumping-on-him-e xciting, great conversation, fun times. Then I started hating him. And now he is soooo annoying and pointless. Too bad. Didn't even have sex. eww. He grosses me out now. I wonder if there's any tricks to making meat thaw faster... google... not really.
Recovery now. Wednesday was the first time with Dan that I didn't feel like he loved me. He doesn't love me anymore. I knew it from the minute I walked in. He flirted with me. He was different. He wasn't my Dan - the one that I know. It felt so good to be next to him. But I knew it was pretend. It is over. for real now. The book on us is closed.
3 years of heartbreak and hope.
But now this is a regular break up. I can deal with this. I couldn't deal with what this was - he loved me and I loved him and we were both alone. I couldn't wrap my head around it, I couldn't process. He doesn't love me now. I can process this. I can finally heal and recover. It sucks and hurts and kills and suffocates, but it is healthy now. It is purged. Now I just have to work on keeping it from getting infected with bitterness and hate. I love him still. We just don't work. As far as endings go, we had a beautiful one.
I can leave this corpse behind. The shell of me.
My new leaf is hard to upkeep. Sweet Bessy is so broken. Tue, Nov. 4th, 2008, 09:00 am
Clam Chowder
The other day I thought that it was finally over with Dan. I thought I would fight and fight and fight to be done loving him. I cried for a few days and tried to calus.
Then I saw him.All over again. What a landslide. I just keep loving him. It is involuntary. And I sat there, watching him make chicken, and I thought, "Bessy, why do you love him?" And I tried to really think of the reasons. But I couldn't come up with anything except that I just love him. I was jealous of that chicken. My insides are in a constant state of cottage cheese. It can only go for so long before I start to get ulcers or something. This can't be healthy. I wanna fix me like I fix my patients. I wanna find a remedy. Well, new girl came to visit. He put up pictures. How funny. He wants me to ask but I won't. It'll only be so long before he says something, I'm sure. He can't help it, he loves her. I am processed and it is good. I'd prefer him not to be single cause then it gets fuzzy. I just wanna be his girl on the side. I want it to be simple, comfortable. It needs to be. I am already too curdled. I am just afraid that he'll try to be right and good and faithful and all that nonsense. I prefer the Tom that I know. He is what I use as my remedy. This is all fucked. Who ever thought life and love would be like this. Not me.
Thu, Oct. 23rd, 2008, 04:26 am
happy sad happy sad want to die love to live
I feel sweet today like the orange girl on the yellow cake that is in my head. She is so sweet and I feel like her. I like me like this. I want to be all the time like this. I am peaceful and content for no reason and for all the reasons. I am happy. I feel sorted, processed. I feel corrected. Work was so great last night. We had wheelchair races down the LDRP hallways. It was dreamy. I loved my patients, they were amazing. I loved my pod people - we had great conversation. and massage time! And almost apple pie time before my admission came up. It was a fun night. Every once in a while, I get a chance to teach me a new life lesson. Right now I am trying to be more content with plans. I don't want to always be looking to go or do something else. Even if somewhere is lame, it is fun. I want to appreciate the space I am in a little more. Yes, be content. Be sweet. I want to be sweet and be content. I am processed about Tom. It was a weird place. Now that he has her, I feel so processed. I feel like I am back in the mindset that is healthy. It is an escape, a relief, a big field of openess with grass and some tiny white flowers. I am sweetly contented. I am appreciating the space I am in. I am just Bessy and only Bessy. It feels great. It doesn't make sense but it makes great sense. I am free again. I feel like a cloud. I am a cloud. I delivered a gigantic baby last night. When I think about being a cloud, I think about being him. He was a fluffy cloud. As long as I am in bed by 9 I will be rested for tonight. I am happy about how happy I am. It will be a good sleep.
Tugboat decided that since his girlfriend situation is shitty, he'll just come back and find me. We can just pick up exactly where we left off. I won't mind at all that I haven't heard from him since like March. Came to my house, woke up my neighbor for a pen, left a note on my door- "Hi Bessy, It's Ian, call me, I miss you." What the fuck? For real? Maybe it's my fault for being too laid back. He said he didn't think I would care because I had everything under control. So because I am independent, feel free to just be weird to me whenever. We hung out like everyday. He was going back to work and said he had some things to do but maybe we could hang out a little before he left, said he would call when he was done. Didn't call, didn't hear from him for the 2 work weeks, and then never again til this note on my door. (Well, no actually, online a little.) He found himself a little girlfriend who was needy and dramatic, thought he could fix her, couldn't and now he's back. That was a really shitty thing to do, Tuggie. Really shitty. And no, I'm sorry, but I may be laid back and independent and a gowiththeflow kind of girl - it doesn't mean you can just treat me like that. Seriously? I was like - all you had to do was send a text, a call, a postcard, a fuckin telegram. I thought maybe we could be friends, but now that it's been sitting in my head a little while, I'm not so sure. I just feel so weirded. It's the same thing with Tom. He's got his other girl and is trying to be right with her. So that means he can just not talk to me, not say anthing. Or like start a comeover conversation and then just drop it. If I didn't have Nicole I would be so confused - it would be tugboat all over again. And I am glad for him, that is great - that exciting feeling is so fun. I miss it. I love that. I hope it stays fun for him - for them both. It's just that... when the fling is over, I realize how alone I am. I have been this whole time, but my mind was occupied at least. And there's the other boys, but ehh. My insides are curdled. So he gets to have the great feeling and I get to have the shittiest feeling. And it's not that I miss him. I miss his body next to mine so I can forget how lonely I am. One thing that I liked about Tom was that when he got back together with his ex in the beginning, he told me. Right away. He was real with me. It's just a bummy feeling.
Tue, Oct. 14th, 2008, 01:22 am
Redeem Me
My car smells like a redemption center. It is the most terrible of all smells. And to be shut in there- in a little capsule of stench- is so so gross.
I am so unproductive lately. so totally unproductive. I hate the sadness. I am so tired of it chasing me and fighting it.
I don't have anything to say. I am sitting on Nicole's couch. She sleeps. I am weirded.
I just want a body to be next to. Something comfortable, something easy.
I want my Dan.
I told him I am proud of him. I am proud of him. I just want to love him. I have so much sweetness and I am just dying to give it away. I want him to have it and have me.
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In other news, I've been having multiple random blasts from the pasts lately. It's weird.
I'm gonna try to sleep now.
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